The Cat Angels of Cairo

Me

My name is Mishmish. I’m a cat. I thought I’d get that out of the way early on. This isn’t one of those stories where you find out at the end that the whole thing was from the cute dog’s point of view. Not that I’m not cute! I can assure you that I’m totally cute. The ladies love me so much I actually caught an STI, even though the vet had already chopped my balls off at that point (bastard). I’m also pretty sure that my blind eye gives me a winsome pirate look. 


But I’m not here to talk about me, although I am in this story. When I was a baby, I ended up on 26th July Street with no mother and a hideous eye infection. I can’t remember how this happened. Some have suggested that maybe she abandoned me because I was the runt of the litter. I have pointed out many times, with a gentle paw, that it’s highly unlikely that I was ever the runt of the litter. I mean, seriously, look at me. I’m a bruiser.

So, anyway. There I was on 26th July Street and this woman picked me up and took me home. I think she was a bus driver because she said she worked for the bussy. It turned out that she hadn't got a clue what to do with me. Luckily a man and another woman turned up and she asked them if they knew what to do with a sick kitten. The woman pointed to the man and said that he was a pussy whisperer. I've no idea what this means but he knew how to look after me. Then Bussy Woman persuaded Pussy Whisperer to look after me while she was at work. 

Me in the hospital

Those days are a bit hazy, but I do remember being smacked round the head by some ginger bird called Scully when all I was trying to do was eat my dinner. There was also another crazy ginger chick, Ripley I think her name was, and this grumpy ginger geezer. This family must have a thing for gingers. No imagination, obviously. The grumpy one had some fancy Greek name that I can’t remember and obviously neither could they, because they called him Tolly. Another human lived there too. I liked her. She must have come from a cold place because she said it was chilly. It was ok there; the food was good (apart from the risk of head injuries) and I even got taken on a trip by the humans. We went to a barbecue at some bloke’s house. I was a bit pissed off though because they made me stay in a bedroom and I wasn’t allowed any barbecue. People kept coming in and saying how cute I was. Well, duh.

Crazy chicks Ripley and Scully

I found out later from my Uncle Chico (more on him later) that Pussy Whisperer and Chilly Girl do this quite a lot. Ripley, Scully and Tolly had all been adopted by them. In fact, apparently Ripley and Scully were really tiny because their mother had disappeared just like mine. Pussy Whisperer had to be their mother and wipe their arses with a wet wipe to get them to wee. I’m sure I was far too developed to need that. God I hope so, anyway. The indignity doesn't bear thinking about. 

Tolly

When I didn’t need constant feeding any more I stayed with Bussy Woman. Then, one day, another woman came and took me to another house. There was a cat there who turned out to be my Uncle Chico. He told me that Bussy Woman was going away, and this new woman had rescued me from a horrible fate. He wouldn’t say any more, except that Pussy Whisperer had persuaded the new woman to take me. Why she would need persuading is a mystery though, given my pirate charms and my penchant for clinging to her leg and biting it affectionately. Still, I wasn’t sure about this place to begin with; the woman was a ginger and Uncle Chico was a ginger! Jeez, I thought. Is there no escape from gingers? I settled in pretty quick though. Uncle Chico could be a cantankerous old git but I did love him.

Uncle Chico

I'd been there a few months when my sister Shams came. Someone had thrown her into the street. I wasn’t surprised to be honest. She’s pathetic. She never bites or scratches, and she rolls over in a way that’s truly nauseating but she thinks is cute. We get on fine now though. It was Shams who told me that Pussy Whisperer and Chilly Girl run some kind of cat hospital thing. Apparently after me there were three more kittens whose mother had died trying to feed them. They found them a new home. Probably because they weren’t ginger. Then they looked after another kitten who had been picked up by a friend of theirs. She had just moved to some other place, so they took in this Boomer chick while she was waiting for her jabs. I’ve had these jab things. What’s that about? Bloody painful. I’ve heard since that Boomer has turned out a bit of a nutter.

My cute tummy

Then a terrible thing happened. My Uncle Chico went away and never came back. Shams told me that he’d got really sick and then he’d died. I was worried about our human but Shams said it was ok because Pussy Whisperer had been with her when he’d died. I was glad about that because she’s ok, our human. Except when she yells at me when I give her a right hook. Well, honestly. I know my tummy is cute, but I’m a boy for God’s sake! Leave the tummy alone.

Me and Shams

Our human got another kitten but I didn’t get to see him. He was in the hospital for a while too, but he'd had a traumatic start in life. He didn’t make it. Then these other two kittens showed up. A black one and a white one. I was so mad I whacked Shams over the head. Then suddenly the black one was gone. Shams said she was sick too. How does she know this stuff? I think she listens at doors and then when our human catches her she does the roly poly thing and of course she gets let off. I never get let off with anything.

Anyway the black one came back. She'd been to the hospital too! She was better though and now she’s fighting fit. Literally. In fact, she reminds me of that crazy Ripley from the hospital place. Still, the four of us have a great laugh playing zoomies round the flat. We have competitions to see who can knock the most stuff off tables.

Polly, the latest hospital resident

I overheard our human saying the other day that there’s another kitten in the hospital! And the humans have to do the thing with the wet wipe again! These people must be cat angels. I’ve counted up all the cats and I think there must have been 12 in the hospital, including me, because I heard Ripley and Scully had a sister but she died because she was too small to survive.


But here’s the worst thing. This bloke came over the other day to hang a picture or something. I wasn’t really paying attention because I was grappling with his leg. But then our human said “that’s Mishmish” and he looked round for another cat. “But he’s not ginger!” The bloke said. “Mishmish is a name for ginger cats!” I froze in horror. I’ve been given a name for GINGER CATS!!! My life is ruined.

Dedicated to the Cat Angels, Pussy Whisperer and Chilly Girl, with love and admiration.