How to get attention: Four methods to try at home

Recently, I have been learning a lot about getting attention, and I'd like to share my new knowledge with you all. Here are four methods I have identified. I hope you find this useful.

Method 1: The Shams

1. Miaow piteously until some one picks you up.
2. Miaow piteously until they put you back down again.
3. Miaow piteously until they pick you back up.
4. Repeat until bored.

Method 2: The Chico (paws and teeth method)

1. Gently put a paw on the leg of the person who's attention you want.
2. If this doesn't work, extend your claws a bit.
3. Then a bit more. This is particularly effective when your claws need clipping.
4. If this still doesn't work, bite them on the arm. Hard. It is guaranteed that this will work.

Method 3: The Chico (head method)

1. Jump on their lap. 
2. If they are using their laptop, make sure to trample on the keyboard. If you're really lucky, you'll end up sending an inappropriate message to someone on Facebook Messenger. 
3. If they're not using their laptop, stretch yourself so your head is right under their chin and stick your claws in their chest.
4. If this doesn't work, stretch slightly further and whack your head as hard as you can on their face - the nose is ideal. 

Method 4: The Mishmish

1. Subtlety is a total waste of time. 
2. Miaow as loudly as you can, as close to their ear as possible.
3. Simultaneously, leap on their lap with your claws extended and dig them in as soon as you land. Throw in a bite if a biteable area comes within reach during the process.
4. If there are hot drinks around, so much the better.
5. Look surprised and affronted when you are immediately thrown off (this is critical) and stalk off in a huff. Batter your step sister round the head as you're passing for good measure.